Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Powerful Sorrow

It's been a while since I've posted here, it seems that my real life has taken me away from my online life (rude).  I've had a lot going on, both good things and bad, and somewhere in the midst of everything I lost my voice.  This is about the 10th time I've started this post so clearly I'm still searching, for the right words, the proper message, the silver lining...

With that, I need to just cut to the chase and tell you that my dad died in October.

His was not a sudden death, he was originally diagnosed with prostrate cancer in 1994!  He lived a full life, touching more lives than even I knew. Like anyone who fought an extended battle with cancer he had good times and bad, but he always seemed to stay optimistic about things and he managed to keep living regardless of what was happening otherwise.  That said, his decline through this summer and into the fall was quite severe and came as a shock to me and everyone else who knew him.

I'm lucky: my dad was a significant and positive presence in my life. I learned many things from him and I see him in myself everyday.  Although we did not have the, "talk to you tomorrow" sort of relationship that mothers and daughters often have, we always enjoyed and benefited from spending time together.

Things were not always easy.  My father was married 25 years, twice, and those two lives sometimes conflicted in hard and meaningful ways. At the time that my parents split, I was out of the house and thus, less directly dependent on my them than my brother and sister. I'm sure that shaped my feelings about the divorce and his new relationship.

My father was a creative and optimistic person who would give the shirt off of his back to a complete stranger. He was also somewhat of a stranger to me, someone that I knew of but maybe did not really know. Someone who would tell things to a total stranger that he wouldn't tell to his own children.

My father loved me and was proud of me, I know this because he regularly told me so.  This is something that I need to focus on in my own life, it's something that I don't do enough. I love my kids, each in their own ways and I am extremely proud of the amazing women that they have become.

I would like to say that I'm back, that I've found my voice and my motivation and that things are, once again, approaching normal, but I don't feel that way just yet. I'm excited for 2014 and my schedule is full of challenges that I expect will help me find my way home but that journey is not yet complete.

OK, now go call your dad and tell him you love him. No, really, I mean it, call him and tell him, you'll be happy that you did.

I love you dad and I miss you more than I can find the words to express.


1 comment:

  1. Just read this and wanted you to know that I think it is cool.

    It made me smile, it made me sad, it made me think of how effortlessly your dad rode his single speed while you rode his road bike in our first ride together (that seems like a long time ago now) and how you could tell instantly he was used to being the shepherd on group rides, the guy who looks after any stragglers .

    It also made me think of my dad.

    Thank you.